Today I feel numb.  As I did yesterday and the day before and all the days before that for the last 6 month before.  Surprisingly, I am not here to discuss this.  Instead I'm here to talk with myself about the events of the night before last.  I haven't been able to be intimate with anyone in a long time. I've met a guy that I think is really cool, but I already let myself be sexually involved with him.  Now, as I've said, I haven't been intimate with anyone in a long time, but I have had sex.  Only with one other person in over a year, however.

I didn't have full-on sex with this guy, but enough to only be considered as the girl who will secretly do those things with him.  Even as I type this I can't stop the tears from forming.  I'm never anything more than a secret girl in a man's bed.  Sure, I'm fantastic in bed, I know this as fact, but I'm never wanted as anything more than this.  My whole young adult life I believed that I wouldn't ever have to deal with this specific situation, "being used for sex."  I always thought that since I'm fat and not the most attractive girl around, I wouldn't be any man's dream 'one-night stand'.

However I was thinking about it all the wrong way.  I didn't realize that I was exactly what a guy wanted in a one-night stand.  A girl who was good in bed and who hated herself enough to be a secret.  Instead, what I didn't realize is that I'm the girl a man refuses to give a commitment and if I'm lucky enough to receive a 'commitment,' I'll still be a secret from the world.

I can't even pretend to be halfway normal when cuddling with a man anymore, much less be naked with one.  Every time he tried to pull me into him, my whole body would go on red alert.  I would move toward him, but all the while conscious of my body and the way it touched him.  They way he could be aware of my large stomach.  His legs tried to intertwine with mine, but I couldn't ever be comfortable with that.  The thought of the weight of my thighs crushing him caused every fiber of my being to panic.  When he would try to wrap his arm around me, my whole body would tense and then I'd instinctively roll over, change my position, anything to keep him from feeling me or touching me and realizing just how disgusting I really am.

The entire time I was naked with him I was so ashamed.  I couldn't even look at him.  I was supposed to enjoy these moments with him, but all I could do was think about how terrible I felt that he had to have been so desperate to be with me.  I spent my time feeling sorry for him rather than rejoicing in an act that was supposed to be fun for both of us.  So I'm the girl that guys only want for sex, but I can't even do that normally anymore.

This feeling only gets worse as I get older.  I keep trying to fight it, but I can't seem to ever not believe that I'm a helpless person. I can't even remember the last time that I actually felt good enough.  I've felt that my existence has been nothing but a burden for a long time except to my family.  For the most part I think I truly only stick around for them.  If it weren't for them I'd really have no other reason to care enough to stay.